Notes on November

 November started, warm and unsettled. I had the feeling I usually save for the end of the month: pressure. There was a lot to do, so much on the horizon that I was overwhelmed on the first of the month. 

But here we are on the sixteenth and I feel much better.

these beauties help

There's still a lot to do. We haven't even begun to go over our Thanksgiving menu and we are making a quick trip to New Jersey to see my family this weekend. I haven't managed to figure out a system to stay on top of laundry yet (that's been a full twenty-year project) and the stack of books I want to read by December 1 keeps getting taller. 

But! I've checked off the hardest parts of the month, so the rest feels immensely doable.

My husband traveled a lot at the beginning of the month. For the first time in ages, I was left to navigate dinners and after-school activities and all the emotions. We missed him but we survived. The kids helped out a little more and we offered each other grace when we needed it. And when he came home, we celebrated.

I had my first (and second) mammogram. This appointment was a little nerve-wracking. My doctor warned me that they would likely call me in for a follow-up, that they would need more pictures since it was my first time. My mom and sister both had to do follow-ups. But still, when I got called back, I was terrified. 

i'm not nervous, you're nervous

Health anxiety is something that I deal with and so this activated all of that. Plus, it was the week my husband was away. I went back and after another mammogram and an ultrasound, I was sent home. Done and dusted.

After talking about this experience with my friends I discovered this is pretty typical. But it's not really something we discuss. So...I spent a few days angry with myself for overreacting on such an epic level. If I'm being honest, I'm still a little frustrated with myself and still working to calm the anxiety that was piqued. #funtimes

Another thing that weighed on me this month, though there was nothing I could do about it, was that my daughter is away at college. I know, it's the next right step for her. I know, she's growing and learning and she can't live with me forever. But still...it's the longest we've ever been away from each other. And sometimes I cry because I want her to be here, with us. I want to see her walking through the kitchen, laughing with her sisters. 

There is some good news though!

The good news is my husband doesn't have any more travel this month! The mammograms are done for a while! My daughter is coming home in less than a week! Let's go!

It's amazing how gratitude grows when you consider the past. Remembering almost always leads to gratitude for me. 

I remember Thanksgiving during the COVID lockdown. We had planned to go visit family but at the last minute decided the risk wasn't worth the reward. So we scrambled and had a Thanksgiving dinner at home, with no guests. 

I remember years of struggle and stress, trying to get little kids to listen to me, having every minute occupied by one or more of my children or thoughts of my children. Those days were long and while we still struggle and deal with stress, I haven't had to change diapers or deal with a public tantrum in ages. 

I remember the beginning of this month. Wondering how I would last another twenty-three days without my daughter at home, how I would get through this scary appointment I had been dreading for years, and how we would remember to do all the things my husband does around the house. 

Remembering all of that makes me stop and thank God we are not in lockdown. Thank God my kids are teenagers who I can watch movies with and laugh with (sometimes). Thank God my girl is coming home soon. Thank God he was with me in the waiting and wondering and that he brought people into my life to love me through my overreaction. Thank God my husband is home and though the next couple of weeks will be busy, we'll be navigating them together, as a team. 

finished puzzles make me feel grateful too

But here's the thing. I'm not special. Anyone can do this. Just sit there for a second. Think about something hard you did, something that scared you or felt overwhelming. Now think about where you are now in comparison to that hard thing. Maybe it's behind you and you're relieved it's done. Maybe it's an ongoing struggle but you're finding yourself stronger than you thought you were or with a bigger community surrounding you. 

I want to celebrate the big things (not being in lockdown anymore) and the little things (getting my writing done for today) with gratitude. Not just because it's November and that seems to be the theme of the month, but all the time. When I'm grateful, I'm not scared or angry. And wouldn't we all be better if we were less scared and angry?

What do you think?